Bp. Craig’s Pastoral Thoughts on Divorce

I have been ordained and serving as a pastor for thirty-one years.  During that time I have had the joy of presiding at hundreds of marriages.  On the whole, every marriage ceremony is a joyful event filled with romance and hope.  There is something incredible and mysterious when two people find each other and determine in their soul that they are to become one and spend their earthly pilgrimage together.  It is why we talk about the “sanctity” or “holiness” of marriage.  It is from the holy estate that these couples come together to share in the very creative act of God; the act of bringing forth life into the world.  It is for this reason and for the reasons found in Holy Scripture that I consider marriage to be more than a covenant relationship confirmed by vows, but a sacrament.  (Ephesians 5.31-32)

This past year, I celebrated along with my wife, forty years of marriage.  When we were married (I was 21 and she had just turned 18) we went to a Congregational Church and took vows.  It wasn’t until years later that we had our marriage blessed by a priest.  But from that day in July in front of that Protestant minister who didn’t know us from a hole in a wall we were very much married in the eyes of God.   Our journey began for us as “nominal” Christians, i.e. we believe in God and thought Church was nice for others.  It wasn’t until many years later that we grew into understanding the sacramental nature of marriage and our vocation as a couple.  I am thankful to those who guided us, ministered to us, and taught us about marriage from God’s perspective.

My journey and I believe the journey of the vast majority of married persons could come to these conclusions:

We got married for some of the wrong reasons.
We realized that there were times of “rich” and times of “poor”; time of “sick” and times of “health”; times of “better” and times of “worse”.
We realized that we didn’t always “love” and “cherish”.
We realized that marriage was not only about sacrificial and selfless love but also about living out the ministry of reconciliation.
And, we came to depend more and more on the grace of God and the power of the sacraments.

During my lifetime, I have also experienced the painful reality of divorce.  Often times those of us who have been married for a long time have been accused of being judgmental when it comes to divorce.  In my case, I certainly hope it is not true and I can with some certainly say that it is most likely not true.  I am a child of divorce.

My parents divorced when I was nineteen.  I was well aware that their marriage was not a good one, as I remember nothing of their marriage but arguing, fighting, and violence.  I don’t want to go into the details of their marriage or their divorce except to say that the only word that adequately describes the reaction of everyone involved was painful.

At that time the teaching of the Church I belonged to was that a divorce person could not receive communion.  My mother, who was a very faithful member of the Church, wept over the fact that she could no longer receive communion, even though the cause of the divorce was not her fault and the reasons for the divorce had Biblical grounds.  I know that experience, as well as my own understanding of Scripture and Tradition, has led me to conclude that no divorced person should be refused the sacraments.  If anyone needs the grace of the sacraments and the love and forgiveness of God it is someone who has gone through the agony of divorce.

If anything I believe the Church needs to repent of its failure to adequately prepare persons for marriage, to fully support persons in their marriage, and its failure to reject the new cultural norms of marriage which are thoroughly humanistic, hedonistic, and selfish.  And, I believe that the Church needs to embrace those it has failed with the love of God and the hope of a new life.

My family suffered from the bad marriage and from the divorce.  I have watched my siblings both biological and stepsiblings go through divorce.  In fact, I am the only sibling who has been married and not divorced. I have not only statistically read and studied the negative impact of divorce on children I have seen it in my nephews and nieces.  And, I have had to encounter those dark spots in my own life.  I have seen members of my family struggle with alcohol, depression, sexual dysfunction, abortion, and drugs.  Are they all a cause of the divorce?  It is hard to tell, but I know it played an impact.

I understand that divorce is not the end of the story.  There are many who come out on the other side, as there are many fatherless children who make it in the world very successfully.  By the grace of God and the love of many my own life was turned around and here I am today serving our Risen Lord.  And, so I believe we must be pro-active in our love and support of persons going through divorce, who have had a divorce, and are children of a divorce.  Again, the Church needs to repent that it has failed in this regard.  Sadly, the Church has too often treated divorced persons as the unforgivable sin and has shunned those who have found themselves in the pain of a marital breakup.

On the other hand, I have to speak clearly that our God hates divorce (Malachi 3.16).  I am sure that this does not mean that God hates the divorced.  Rather that our God is aware more than us of the incredible pain and agony in divorce.  He is aware of the tears, the dashed hopes, the loneliness, the sense of failure, the damage to self worth, the sense of betrayal, the anger, the resentments, and the grieving that will take place.  The Church in light of this cannot stand in a posture of judgment, but rather must be moved with gut wrenching compassion and love.

Yes, it true that what God has joined together no one should put asunder and it is true that divorce is often times a matter of hearts grown hard.  And, yes it is very true that the failure of a Christian marriage is a fractured message to the secular world.

The Church stands for life long marriage because it is a blessing not a curse.  In the journey of marriage, through all joys and sorrows, is a blessing that is deeper than anything the world can offer materially. It is the formation of selfless love and reconciliation between two frail and fractured persons.  And, in this marriage is reflected the love of God for each of us.  That is why the Church must consistently speak against a culture of divorce, serial monogamy, hedonism, and selfish desires that give the delusion of happiness.

At the same time the Church must live with the tensions of our present culture and the enormous impact of media, celebrity worship, and a psychological worldview.  It must in love somehow struggle with loving those who are victims of this culture.  How do we embrace with acceptance but withhold approval?  How do we stand for the sanctity of marriage without condemning the divorced?  How do we minister to the divorced and a person going through a divorce without sanctifying or blessing divorce?

Our love must be unconditional.  It is a call to look into the eyes of anyone going through pain and offering the love of Christ.  This is an awesome task but not far from those who are willing to press into the love of God for themselves.  It is not hard if we begin by recognizing our own need for repentance, confession, and amendment of life.  It is often easier to preach what we are against than what we are for in life.  We hold up Christ and we will each see our own failure but also the One who redeems us and heals us.  Let us look to Jesus and bring those who are going through whatever struggle life brings our way to look to Him as well.

Under His mercy,

The Most Rev. Craig Bates